the last fresh start

December first always feels a bit like a practice run for the new year to me. It’s the last new beginning before you start to taste the possibilities and see the glisten of a true fresh start. The kaleidoscope refocuses, and I ask myself, what truly are my goals? my priorities? my hopes? my dreams? my fears? What can I reinvent about myself, while still honoring the traits that I see as my most valuable? My mind starts reeling this time of year. Reflecting on the deeds that are done, and the deeds that I only imagined myself doing. The words I spoke and the words I only let myself think. The relationships that the come and gone, those pesky ships in the night. The opportunities I passed up for what I viewed as more important in that moment. Do I regret things? As somebody who tells myself that they won’t get me anywhere (yet, we do learn from them, so why is that always the way we talk about regret?), they sure still haunt the late nights that turn into early mornings, the fleeting moments of waiting, and somehow any other inconvenient time. I’m focusing on holding a standard of grace to my heart however, since I know I need the rest, comfort, and safety in this season of winter, when all my nutrients must go straight to the roots in order for me to survive.

I truly do feel good about this past year. In terms of travel, jobs, relationships, etc., it certainly hasn’t been the most exciting. Yet, I’ve come a long way in learning to love my hobbies again. In the necessary social aspect of us humans. In the way that helping someone is one of the easiest ways to feel valuable. In the nourishment of my own body (even if that is just moving once and eating three meals a day, I never said it was a lot). This year I haven’t had much to look forward to, so I’ve been appreciating the smaller, precious moments that make up our day-to-day. I believe that understanding how to do this is more essential to our contentedness than the glaring, obvious occurrences that only happen once in a lifetime, and that only last for the blink of an eye.

Happy new month, and happy last fresh start of 2024!