another year, another me?

As I turn 23, the inevitable questioning of who I want to be and who I am is eating at me. Of course, a little bit of questioning everything and wondering how I can best better the world and be the best me. I have a new job set up, I’ll be moving out into my own apartment soon, and I think I’m in a good relationship. The only problem is that I doubt EVERYTHING. Seriously, how do I stop doing that? It’s like no choice I make is right and I just want to do the right thing. Yet I think I’m so indecisive that I get paralyzed. In my head, I know that nothing is permanent and it’s not like I won’t be able to change things once I start them; I just can’t seem to know that in my body. Anxiety overtakes me and it’s suffocating. The other morning there was no breath in my lungs and the day hadn’t even started.

Does everyone feel this way and they just know how to go through with things anyway? Do I even know how to be a person? There are so many things that I want to do, want to see, but I’m so stuck that I can’t seem to do any of them.

I suppose the answer is one step at a time, just to do something in the direction that I want to go. That just seems so hard though, as if I’m sealing my fate by choosing one apartment over the other, or accepting a job offer with a salary. Then the one thing that is more important is my love. He hasn’t been able to escape my doubts either, and I’m left wondering if I’m a bad person just waiting to hurt somebody. Obviously relationships take work, and I want to grow as a person in all the ways possible, but also how can I stay in good conscience when literally everything makes me doubt everything. He doesn’t deserve to get hurt, but what if it’s even worse in the future?

Life shouldn’t be this hard. There are so many good things and nothing is permanent anyway, I would love to be able to live like that and just exist and enjoy myself. Yet I feel so guilty when I try to, and for what? Trying to be a person? I’m allowed to live and love and be happy. It’s so important that I learn how to do that while being light for other people.

That’s that other thing, I miss being happy. I’m so much angrier now, I almost always feel sick from anxiety. Even when I am filled with joy, the second I hear something negative my mood drops and I don’t feel good for multiple days afterwards. Help would be good, but there’s also something so embarrassing about asking for it. Granted, that thought would never cross my mind if someone else said this to me; I’m not allowed to bring other people into my mess. They haven’t done anything to deserve the way I treat them and fake being a good person until I can’t anymore and snap. Pretending only gets you so far so I can’t believe I let someone else get this far into a relationship with me when I still feel like this. Probably worse that I used to if I’m honest. And maybe that’s a sign that things are going bad, but how can I tell between that and your garden-variety anxiety that won’t let me be confident?

I think this year I just want to focus on learning about myself and being good to others. In the past, I’ve wanted to find myself but I don’t really think that’s possible so I guess my mantra will just be “one hesitant step at a time,” as a confident step may not be nearly as possible, but forward momentum always will be.