refection of a journal entry pt.1

11/27/2022

I’m in my mood again. The one where I can’t feel right. No decision I make will be the best one, and I just shouldn’t be here. There’s no where that I should be, nothing that I should do. I’m petrified and stuck in my comfort zone, which has become too uncomfortable to even call it that. But, maybe that is just my head being my own worst enemy. I try to figure out who I am, a million fragments of who I could be. No, none of those are right. Would I even want them to be? Surely I do, but which ones do I follow? There is not a glowing, animated option that is obvious. Life is not that easy. It is not a fairytale. There is suffering and uncertainty and betrayal. There are no destiny’s, the fates have not looked at us in centuries. We make decisions and live with the consequences. Or, we outrun them, or pin them on someone else. Anything to escape the repercussions of our decisions, and we will live with the delusions that follow.

A future me’s response (a little more hopeful me as well): Life is not easy. That much is true. And there is no right option. But that is something to celebrate, that there is also no wrong option. We will grow no matter where we are, and what better way to discover who we are than to make decision after decision and see where it takes us and how it affects us? Our freedom is something good and it makes life worth living, that we get to make the choices of who we will be and who we will become. There is beauty in the intentionality of choosing, being an active participant in your own life and if a path we went down is not helping like it should, we can make another choice and go down a different path.